Chicken Teriyaki Bowl #7

OK, stop now if you don’t want to have the Indiana Jones movie spoiled.  As if I could make it any worse than it already is.

Truly, this was the worst movie I have seen in some time…and I am an avid Mystery Science Theatre fan.  In fact The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull would make a great MSTK movie.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am able to suspend my disbelief.  I’m a huge SG-1 and SG Atlantis fan.  I loved the original Battlestar Galactica.  I even liked that really bad Flash Gordon movie.  Ten minutes into this movie, however, I was cringing in my seat.

First of all, please don’t expect me to believe that a whole platoon of Soviet military can make it on to a highly classified base during the era of the red scare 50’s.  No frickin’ way.  I will, however, give you the warehouse with all of the stored goodies (including the Ark of the Covenant, LOL).  The lead-lined fridge saving Indy from the atomic blast?  groaningly stupid.  Really.  People in the theatre actually groaned.

I liked the off-hand reference to McCarthy-ism and Indy getting the sack from the college because if it.

I liked Shia LaBoef’s character, even though it sounded like he said his name was “Mud” instead of “Mutt”, so I thought of him as Mud the entire movie.   My husband pointed out the whole “Indy named himself after the dog, his son names himself Mutt” thing to me later.  In fact, I would say Shia was the only character in the movie who didn’t act embarrassed by his role.

So we end up in Peru, in a graveyard, looking for a crystal skull that Mutt’s pseudo-foster-father hid.  Standard Indiana Jones stuff, I’ll give it a pass here.  As per usual, hero gets the coveted item, bad guy (girl) captures him immediately.  Standard Indy plot device.  Marion appears, along with crazy professor guy.  Marion and Indy fight.  I will admit that I love it when they argue.  They have a Spencer Tracy/Katherine Hepburn-ish kind of aura when they do.

BTW - the Australian accented guy?  Why exactly was that character necessary?  How did he move along the plot in any coherent way (not that the plot was coherent to begin with)?  Let’s face it, he was thrown in to show (again!) how bad it is to be greedy.  Oh, and to explain that he and Indy were in the War.  When, exactly, Indy found time to be in the War, I don’t know.  Additionally, Indy doesn’t really seem like yes, sir, Army material, does he?

So, now we are in the Amazon.  My guts tell me that there aren’t that many cliffs in the Amazon basin (which is, in fact a wide, flat basin), but I’ll admit that they could be higher up in the Andes.  Typical chase scene which could have been cut in half (I actually got bored).  Insect of the movie was the ant, which gave me the creeps.  I’m going out today to spray around the house.

Blah, blah, heroes escape, find secret passage, bad guys track them (oh, THAT’s the reason for the Aussie).

I’m actually OK with the whole alien/crystal skull thing, but thirteen crystal skulls should not a whole alien make.  That was dumb, but I may be prejudiced by SG-1.  Also, why did crazy guy suddenly get sane?  Because the skull was returned?  No idea.  Anyway, la la la, happy ending, Indy makes dean, he and Marion get married and Mud Mutt is annointed the new action hero.

This is how bad the movie was:  I never once was taken outside of myself.  At all times, I was simply watching this groaner in a movie theatre.  In fact, halfway through I even thought if we leave now we could probably sneak into Prince Caspian.

I’ve been watching the first season of Stargate-1 (SG-1) and find it necessary to share the things I’ve learned:

I don’t like men who wax their eyebrows.  Michael Shanks (Dr. Daniel Jackson) has perfect eyebrows.  It weirds me out.  He also has wonderfully manicured hands.  I don’t mind that so much.

I like Richard Dean Anderson (Lt. Col. Jack O’Neil) better without the mullet.

Everybody on all planets speak English.  On the other hand, they write in archaic scripts which needs a philologist/anthropologist/archeologist to decipher.  Go figure.

Dr. Frasier is the real boss.

Teal’c should be banned from wearing pseudo cowboy gear with red silk bandanas.  He looked like a refugee from a Village People reunion tour.  (Oops, also from a later season - I’ve been watching SG-1 on Sci-Fi channel as well)

When a babe blows pink dust at your man, grab a weapon.

Be very, very careful about the off-worlders you have sex with; corollary, don’t date Samantha Carter or you’ll die.  Actually the corollary comes from later episodes, but you gotta wonder why she doesn’t have any men in her life.

When unsure what emotion you are supposed to display, scowl (Teal’c), wrinkle your forehead (Daniel) or come up with a sarcastic quip (O’Neil).

No matter what action SG-1 takes, it will mess something up.  Sometimes beyond fixing.  Which is actually impressive - I mean most shows would get it fixed within the hour.  That would be why they call them story arcs, I guess.

“…But the moon is more that just a big globe in the sky.” No, really!?

“The truth is, the moon has been slowly slipping away from us.” Don’t leave me, moon! We can make this work!

“But scientists say there’s no cause for panic.” The evening news says otherwise…

“You’ll be amazed where a pen can take you!” Didn’t Spitzer pay cash?

“You can’t see sludge coming!” You didn’t notice that big bucket above your car?

“More than 1 million people have made the call!” If you don’t, you’re an idiot!

“A sinister way of life…and no end in sight.” A documentary on programmers?

“When only red or orange light reaches the lunar surface, the moon appears red.” What, not blue or fuschia?

Footer overlay on program: “Own the universe on DVD.” Wow, what a deal!

“We’re forever tied to our neighbor, but we know so little about our dependence.” Sounds like the plot of an Ann Rule true-crime book

I’m a huge, geeky Wil Wheaton fan and I love this behind-the-scenes view of the captain’s chair on STNG:

Fun fact: when we weren’t rolling, nobody ever sat in the captain’s chair except Patrick. Sure, we’d get visitors who would want to have their picture taken in the chair, and it was a popular stop for studio executives who wanted to impress people, but for all of us in the cast and crew, there was a very real reverence for the captain’s chair.