Chicken Teriyaki Bowl #7

CNN Headlines for August 14, 2008: My Response*

Why Scarlett Johansson kissed Penelope Cruz - to inspire the fantasy life of men who never advance beyond junior high emotionally.

Dump the guy — but not THIS way - first you need to wrap him him an old blanket, then a tarp or some visqueen stuff. Make sure the hole is really deep…

Is China cheating in women’s gymnastics? Um, yes. And probably so are a lot of other countries….

U.S. traffic death rate at record low - in other news, political suicide rate doubles…

Baby boosts some athletes’ performance - just take one a day in juice or coffee and watch your game improve.

*for those too stupid to know otherwise, this is satire, folks!