Chicken Teriyaki Bowl #7

OK, stop now if you don’t want to have the Indiana Jones movie spoiled.  As if I could make it any worse than it already is.

Truly, this was the worst movie I have seen in some time…and I am an avid Mystery Science Theatre fan.  In fact The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull would make a great MSTK movie.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am able to suspend my disbelief.  I’m a huge SG-1 and SG Atlantis fan.  I loved the original Battlestar Galactica.  I even liked that really bad Flash Gordon movie.  Ten minutes into this movie, however, I was cringing in my seat.

First of all, please don’t expect me to believe that a whole platoon of Soviet military can make it on to a highly classified base during the era of the red scare 50’s.  No frickin’ way.  I will, however, give you the warehouse with all of the stored goodies (including the Ark of the Covenant, LOL).  The lead-lined fridge saving Indy from the atomic blast?  groaningly stupid.  Really.  People in the theatre actually groaned.

I liked the off-hand reference to McCarthy-ism and Indy getting the sack from the college because if it.

I liked Shia LaBoef’s character, even though it sounded like he said his name was “Mud” instead of “Mutt”, so I thought of him as Mud the entire movie.   My husband pointed out the whole “Indy named himself after the dog, his son names himself Mutt” thing to me later.  In fact, I would say Shia was the only character in the movie who didn’t act embarrassed by his role.

So we end up in Peru, in a graveyard, looking for a crystal skull that Mutt’s pseudo-foster-father hid.  Standard Indiana Jones stuff, I’ll give it a pass here.  As per usual, hero gets the coveted item, bad guy (girl) captures him immediately.  Standard Indy plot device.  Marion appears, along with crazy professor guy.  Marion and Indy fight.  I will admit that I love it when they argue.  They have a Spencer Tracy/Katherine Hepburn-ish kind of aura when they do.

BTW - the Australian accented guy?  Why exactly was that character necessary?  How did he move along the plot in any coherent way (not that the plot was coherent to begin with)?  Let’s face it, he was thrown in to show (again!) how bad it is to be greedy.  Oh, and to explain that he and Indy were in the War.  When, exactly, Indy found time to be in the War, I don’t know.  Additionally, Indy doesn’t really seem like yes, sir, Army material, does he?

So, now we are in the Amazon.  My guts tell me that there aren’t that many cliffs in the Amazon basin (which is, in fact a wide, flat basin), but I’ll admit that they could be higher up in the Andes.  Typical chase scene which could have been cut in half (I actually got bored).  Insect of the movie was the ant, which gave me the creeps.  I’m going out today to spray around the house.

Blah, blah, heroes escape, find secret passage, bad guys track them (oh, THAT’s the reason for the Aussie).

I’m actually OK with the whole alien/crystal skull thing, but thirteen crystal skulls should not a whole alien make.  That was dumb, but I may be prejudiced by SG-1.  Also, why did crazy guy suddenly get sane?  Because the skull was returned?  No idea.  Anyway, la la la, happy ending, Indy makes dean, he and Marion get married and Mud Mutt is annointed the new action hero.

This is how bad the movie was:  I never once was taken outside of myself.  At all times, I was simply watching this groaner in a movie theatre.  In fact, halfway through I even thought if we leave now we could probably sneak into Prince Caspian.